monkeycrap's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be alone is to be different, to be different is to be alone. Hey. This past week was spent in camp assessing how good my leadership qualities are, through a series of tests involving missions. It's pretty embarassing, and i know that i'll be sniggered at by the people who read this entry after i say this, but i'll say it anyway. I can't lead a group of soldiers into battle. For nuts. Leading a battalion of hungry friends into burger king, maybe. But not leading an army. It's very simple. No one listens to the short guy. Ok, maybe i've the creativity of a brown cow and the leadership quality of a rabid dog, but still, no one listens to the short guy. Not especially when he's dressed up in a goofy green helmet and a vest that looks like pamela anderson's 3 day old lingerie. Damn it. Had a short icq chat with co-writer last week. He asked me about my life and what keeps me going. Simple yet very thought provoking questions. I've been thinking about it throughout the entire week and came out with this fabulous conclusion that i am currently leading a meaningless, non-existential life. And I, (state your name and NRIC number), hereby solemly swear to accept this fate because i am forced to. I know, many others are suffering as much as me, some even worse, but that's not the point. The point is that i feel that i'm not in control of my own life, and that there is nothing i can do bout it. Which is why there is diaryland for me to ramble on. Maybe its just that i've reached this 'questioning phase' and that it'll go away after a good night's rest. But i doubt so. Cos i'm just dragging myself along every single day, having flashbacks of the better times of my life, playing and re-playing those scenes over and over again, wondering if i'll ever experience them again or if the feeling will remain the same if i do. And i'll continue to wonder aimlessly, not unlike walking down orchard road on valentine's day, feeling like a guest in my own home, picking up slices of life along the way. I think i'm starting to sound really really stupid now. And really cliche too. Oh well. Screw it. I've to learn to shut up. I just said something wrong, and that resulted in my mum becoming real disappointed. Not pissed, but disappointed. Now that's worse. It's not exactly a big deal, just a conflict of interest, and everything'll be ok in a few days time(when i get back to camp), but still, the damage has been done, and will remain there. Wouldn't have happened if i just kept quiet and go to my room and listened to britney spears singing on the radio. Damn it, the last thing i wanna do is to offend the person whom i treasure so much, who've helped me out so much. And i just did it. Mental note: not everyone wants to know your point of view all the time, you piece of worthless algae infested trash. For those who've endured my rantings and ravings up to this point, i sincerely apologise for this depressing entry. Things will get better, i promise. But for now, let me degenerate. I haven't really ever found a place that I call home I never stick around quite long enough to make it I apologize that once again I'm not in love But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy Well I deserve nothing more than I get Cos nothing I have is truly mine I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea To travel the world alone and live my life more simply I have no idea what's happened to that dream Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy Well I deserve nothing more than I get Cos nothing I have is truly mine... 2:22 a.m. - 2004-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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