monkeycrap's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- kill the world, make it a better place, for u and for me, just wipe out the human race... Exams are in one and a half weeks. By now, i should be confidently prepared, finishing about 3/4 of what i need to cover, everything going smoothly, happily facing the stress and obstacles ahead, focused, never wavering from the straight road to success. I could not be any more further from that. Yes, yes, so is the rest of the world, at least according to the blogs i read. But i've never felt so distant from my goal before, especially considering that it's like only 1.5 weeks left. And the worst thing is that i can't put into words how i feel. It's like this fouled potpourri of negativity all mish-mashing together, resulting in what used to be empty voids in me now turning into vacuums. Of course, generally speaking, i'm pretty ok, i guess. Life goes on, with all the joking and humour and the optimism. Well, at least, the optimism i try to give myself so that i don't end up, like, dead? I'm not saying that i'm portraying a fake facade of myself, cos i'm definitely not. It's just that at the end of the day, the negativity caused by the various travails, no matter how puny or insignificant, builds up to a level that makes me wanna just go to the top of some mountain and SHOUT MY LUNGS OUT. And still i can't describe how i feel. It's like the tossed salad served in hell. A little bit of fear, anger, desperation, despo-ration, uncertainty, not being accepted, being ignored, not being a good friend, not listening, not being listened to, being hypocritical, being irritating, being irritated. Throw in the little disagreements and quarrels that, though outwardly may seem superficial, do take their toll on you, and you get your self esteem lowered. It's like i'm not being what i want to be. Of course the exponential stress level doesn't quite help much. Maybe i'm just tired. But, as with everything else, there are always 2 sides to the coin. Even though life now pretty much sucks, just like it was made out to be, i still have plenty to be thankful for. There's always my good friends and family, in case i've not made it clear in my previous entries, thanks so much for being there. You know who you are. Of course, there's good music, good food, stuff which i live for...and yes, the prospects of a well deserved vacation at the end of the year. I'll pull through. No prob. Just gotta bang myself against the wall a few more times, to shake the cobwebs off a little. GB signings... Heh nut, as i said, no prob. And i don't know why, but i find the graffiti on my ruler quite funny. Maybe when ur stressed, little things crack you up. Whatever. Ok shall stop here. Will leave you with my classmate's theory about hell. Cheers. "Hell is damn fun cos got rock and roll." 9.46 pm - 7/8/03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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